nerd advice on romance
Jun. 7th, 2008 08:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nabilit has come to my attention-- not for the first time-- that some members of my nerd clan do not know how to please the boy or girl who they are dating. this makes me sad. so i offer off a bit of unsolicited advice on romance.
caveats: i'm talking about ways to please somebody that you are already dating. i'm bi, so pronouns will vary wildly. also, i'm experimenting with leaving this post unlocked. if it gets trolled, i won't do that again for awhile. as always, courteous disagreement is more then welcome. rudeness is not. if you don't know the difference, i am open to discussing it with you.
my working definition of romance is: anything that show your beloved that you thought of them while they were not present. the more you show that you were thinking of them, specifically, the more romantic. in other words: bringing home roses is romantic, because it shows your beloved that at some point of the day you thought about doing something to please them. bringing home roses if your beloved is allergic to roses and broke out in hives last week because you brought home roses, or has told you that he hates roses, is unromantic because it indicates that you were going on autopilot, not thinking about the specific details that make your beloved unique. bringing home sunflowers, because your beloved told you last night how much he misses the sunflowers his mother grew when he was a child, or bringing home sunflowers because the way they glow reminds you of the brilliance of your beloved's smile-- and telling him so-- is terribly romantic.
you are in love. probably you thought of your beloved today. what did you think? did you read a web comic that you thought your beloved would like, because it is about linux? send her the comic and tell her it reminded you of her. did you read a poem you that made you think of your beloved, and the way he cried when he listened to obama's speech on race? send it to him and tell him why it made you think of him.
does romance require lots of cash? no. if your beloved only likes expensive gifts, your beloved might not be the right person for you. often the generic gestures of romance-- diamonds, chocolate, roses-- are the priciest ones. a book review of a feminist science fiction novel that you thought your beloved would find exciting is more romantic then something expensive and generic.
does romance required excellent verbal skills? no. they can help, for sure-- being able to speak about the specific things that you love about your beloved is terribly romantic. but you're a smart kid. you keep those servers running while minimizing downtime-- you create elegant uis-- you hack devices with remarkable creativity. put some of your skills to work in thinking about how to please your beloved.
romance is not a test where there is a right answer and a wrong answer. the goal is to show your beloved that you love him and so when he is not around you think of him when people tell you stories about their cats, even though you find cats annoying-- to let her know that it is her specificity, her love of world of warcraft and hatred of extraneous apostrophes in fan fiction-- that you adore. there are many ways to show this adoration. the most romantic acts are the ones that you enjoy performing, and that make your beloved light up. you can do this. you can find things that will make your beloved smile. you think about your beloved when she's not around-- you are totally smart enough to show him that, not just tell him, but show it in your acts.
if you bring home roses and your beloved hates roses, that is awesome! now you know! think of it as debugging; you tried something and it didn't work, so try something else! pay attention to your beloved: what does she like to read? what pants does he like to see you wear? what kind of salsa does she like on her burrito? pay attention, and show her that you're paying attention. at some point you will do something that you enjoyed doing, and your beloved will laugh with delight. you're on the right track: pay attention to this moment. do more of that.
a final thought: the most romantic gestures create feedback loops of generosity and pleasure. you delight in pleasing your beloved; this pleasure inspires her to reciprocal gestures that delight you in turn; your pleasure inspires you to more graciousness, kindness, affection. the point is to please him, and be pleased in turn-- the point is to increase your mutual feelings of tenderness and desire.
xoxo
nabil
caveats: i'm talking about ways to please somebody that you are already dating. i'm bi, so pronouns will vary wildly. also, i'm experimenting with leaving this post unlocked. if it gets trolled, i won't do that again for awhile. as always, courteous disagreement is more then welcome. rudeness is not. if you don't know the difference, i am open to discussing it with you.
my working definition of romance is: anything that show your beloved that you thought of them while they were not present. the more you show that you were thinking of them, specifically, the more romantic. in other words: bringing home roses is romantic, because it shows your beloved that at some point of the day you thought about doing something to please them. bringing home roses if your beloved is allergic to roses and broke out in hives last week because you brought home roses, or has told you that he hates roses, is unromantic because it indicates that you were going on autopilot, not thinking about the specific details that make your beloved unique. bringing home sunflowers, because your beloved told you last night how much he misses the sunflowers his mother grew when he was a child, or bringing home sunflowers because the way they glow reminds you of the brilliance of your beloved's smile-- and telling him so-- is terribly romantic.
you are in love. probably you thought of your beloved today. what did you think? did you read a web comic that you thought your beloved would like, because it is about linux? send her the comic and tell her it reminded you of her. did you read a poem you that made you think of your beloved, and the way he cried when he listened to obama's speech on race? send it to him and tell him why it made you think of him.
does romance require lots of cash? no. if your beloved only likes expensive gifts, your beloved might not be the right person for you. often the generic gestures of romance-- diamonds, chocolate, roses-- are the priciest ones. a book review of a feminist science fiction novel that you thought your beloved would find exciting is more romantic then something expensive and generic.
does romance required excellent verbal skills? no. they can help, for sure-- being able to speak about the specific things that you love about your beloved is terribly romantic. but you're a smart kid. you keep those servers running while minimizing downtime-- you create elegant uis-- you hack devices with remarkable creativity. put some of your skills to work in thinking about how to please your beloved.
romance is not a test where there is a right answer and a wrong answer. the goal is to show your beloved that you love him and so when he is not around you think of him when people tell you stories about their cats, even though you find cats annoying-- to let her know that it is her specificity, her love of world of warcraft and hatred of extraneous apostrophes in fan fiction-- that you adore. there are many ways to show this adoration. the most romantic acts are the ones that you enjoy performing, and that make your beloved light up. you can do this. you can find things that will make your beloved smile. you think about your beloved when she's not around-- you are totally smart enough to show him that, not just tell him, but show it in your acts.
if you bring home roses and your beloved hates roses, that is awesome! now you know! think of it as debugging; you tried something and it didn't work, so try something else! pay attention to your beloved: what does she like to read? what pants does he like to see you wear? what kind of salsa does she like on her burrito? pay attention, and show her that you're paying attention. at some point you will do something that you enjoyed doing, and your beloved will laugh with delight. you're on the right track: pay attention to this moment. do more of that.
a final thought: the most romantic gestures create feedback loops of generosity and pleasure. you delight in pleasing your beloved; this pleasure inspires her to reciprocal gestures that delight you in turn; your pleasure inspires you to more graciousness, kindness, affection. the point is to please him, and be pleased in turn-- the point is to increase your mutual feelings of tenderness and desire.
xoxo
nabil
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(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-08 03:46 am (UTC)this post deserves to be published.
as i have no power over that, i do very much plan to give you a big ol hug, just for writing this.
this is an exceptional post on love.
this is what i've only recently began to feel okay to feel and express and write about, and yes, those are three different acts, actually.
the dares, the chances, the mistakes... isnt this where love and its active counterpart called romance, or intimacy, or passion, bloom?
the questions, the convos, the learning, the joining... this is work in one way, but silly humans get confused when you use the same word (ie work) in a variable of contexts.
and this is silly, cuz it serves to unfocus the lens of our individual drives.
so silly. often funny, more often painful, but jeez louise... what if people just got used to takin some chances and doin some crazy ass shit to show the extent of their passion? of their love?
how cool would that be?
so thank you for posting this.
its the most brilliant thing i've read in years.
your "mis"use of gender, makes it even more better or whatever:
pancakes=syrup.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-08 04:39 am (UTC)I love how you break down these confusing and mysterious steps to romance, and present it in a very logical way which is easy to understand.
And yeah, your use of pronoun makes this english major happy!
You're awesome!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-08 05:29 am (UTC)In my head, sneakiness is part of romance. That is, (for me) it isn't so much about showing that you were thinking about someone when they aren't around as showing that you were thinking about them when they weren't necessarily expecting it. Sometimes Phil makes a game of buying chocolate for Anne when they're out grocery shopping together, and smuggling it through the checkout line without her noticing. That seems very sweet and romantic to me. Lately, when Alice and I go out to eat, I often order for her (that is, she makes the decisions, all I do is find out what she's decided on and relay that information) because she likes that and it makes her feel taken care of; the intent is something romance-like, and it seems to be perceived that way. I think I perceive the element of surprise as vital to romance.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-08 05:41 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-08 06:41 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-08 07:07 am (UTC)My "glass half empty" approach is this - the quickest way to ruin a relationship is to take someone for granted. If you are taking someone for granted every day, and never informing them of their involvement in your life, then you should change that.
A most uplifting post.
-FW
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-08 09:10 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-08 02:24 pm (UTC)On reread...
Date: 2008-06-08 02:27 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-08 02:28 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-08 10:04 pm (UTC)I wish I had that when we were involved, I tell ya that.
lordy!
Date: 2008-06-08 10:52 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-09 10:13 pm (UTC)True!
Date: 2008-06-10 06:39 am (UTC)so true :P
Juice Mag: Squeeze More Out of Life (http://www.juicemag.co.uk/)
(no subject)
Date: 2009-04-29 07:00 pm (UTC)