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nerd advice on romance
Jun. 7th, 2008 08:05 pmit has come to my attention-- not for the first time-- that some members of my nerd clan do not know how to please the boy or girl who they are dating. this makes me sad. so i offer off a bit of unsolicited advice on romance.
caveats: i'm talking about ways to please somebody that you are already dating. i'm bi, so pronouns will vary wildly. also, i'm experimenting with leaving this post unlocked. if it gets trolled, i won't do that again for awhile. as always, courteous disagreement is more then welcome. rudeness is not. if you don't know the difference, i am open to discussing it with you.
my working definition of romance is: anything that show your beloved that you thought of them while they were not present. the more you show that you were thinking of them, specifically, the more romantic. in other words: bringing home roses is romantic, because it shows your beloved that at some point of the day you thought about doing something to please them. bringing home roses if your beloved is allergic to roses and broke out in hives last week because you brought home roses, or has told you that he hates roses, is unromantic because it indicates that you were going on autopilot, not thinking about the specific details that make your beloved unique. bringing home sunflowers, because your beloved told you last night how much he misses the sunflowers his mother grew when he was a child, or bringing home sunflowers because the way they glow reminds you of the brilliance of your beloved's smile-- and telling him so-- is terribly romantic.
you are in love. probably you thought of your beloved today. what did you think? did you read a web comic that you thought your beloved would like, because it is about linux? send her the comic and tell her it reminded you of her. did you read a poem you that made you think of your beloved, and the way he cried when he listened to obama's speech on race? send it to him and tell him why it made you think of him.
does romance require lots of cash? no. if your beloved only likes expensive gifts, your beloved might not be the right person for you. often the generic gestures of romance-- diamonds, chocolate, roses-- are the priciest ones. a book review of a feminist science fiction novel that you thought your beloved would find exciting is more romantic then something expensive and generic.
does romance required excellent verbal skills? no. they can help, for sure-- being able to speak about the specific things that you love about your beloved is terribly romantic. but you're a smart kid. you keep those servers running while minimizing downtime-- you create elegant uis-- you hack devices with remarkable creativity. put some of your skills to work in thinking about how to please your beloved.
romance is not a test where there is a right answer and a wrong answer. the goal is to show your beloved that you love him and so when he is not around you think of him when people tell you stories about their cats, even though you find cats annoying-- to let her know that it is her specificity, her love of world of warcraft and hatred of extraneous apostrophes in fan fiction-- that you adore. there are many ways to show this adoration. the most romantic acts are the ones that you enjoy performing, and that make your beloved light up. you can do this. you can find things that will make your beloved smile. you think about your beloved when she's not around-- you are totally smart enough to show him that, not just tell him, but show it in your acts.
if you bring home roses and your beloved hates roses, that is awesome! now you know! think of it as debugging; you tried something and it didn't work, so try something else! pay attention to your beloved: what does she like to read? what pants does he like to see you wear? what kind of salsa does she like on her burrito? pay attention, and show her that you're paying attention. at some point you will do something that you enjoyed doing, and your beloved will laugh with delight. you're on the right track: pay attention to this moment. do more of that.
a final thought: the most romantic gestures create feedback loops of generosity and pleasure. you delight in pleasing your beloved; this pleasure inspires her to reciprocal gestures that delight you in turn; your pleasure inspires you to more graciousness, kindness, affection. the point is to please him, and be pleased in turn-- the point is to increase your mutual feelings of tenderness and desire.
xoxo
nabil
caveats: i'm talking about ways to please somebody that you are already dating. i'm bi, so pronouns will vary wildly. also, i'm experimenting with leaving this post unlocked. if it gets trolled, i won't do that again for awhile. as always, courteous disagreement is more then welcome. rudeness is not. if you don't know the difference, i am open to discussing it with you.
my working definition of romance is: anything that show your beloved that you thought of them while they were not present. the more you show that you were thinking of them, specifically, the more romantic. in other words: bringing home roses is romantic, because it shows your beloved that at some point of the day you thought about doing something to please them. bringing home roses if your beloved is allergic to roses and broke out in hives last week because you brought home roses, or has told you that he hates roses, is unromantic because it indicates that you were going on autopilot, not thinking about the specific details that make your beloved unique. bringing home sunflowers, because your beloved told you last night how much he misses the sunflowers his mother grew when he was a child, or bringing home sunflowers because the way they glow reminds you of the brilliance of your beloved's smile-- and telling him so-- is terribly romantic.
you are in love. probably you thought of your beloved today. what did you think? did you read a web comic that you thought your beloved would like, because it is about linux? send her the comic and tell her it reminded you of her. did you read a poem you that made you think of your beloved, and the way he cried when he listened to obama's speech on race? send it to him and tell him why it made you think of him.
does romance require lots of cash? no. if your beloved only likes expensive gifts, your beloved might not be the right person for you. often the generic gestures of romance-- diamonds, chocolate, roses-- are the priciest ones. a book review of a feminist science fiction novel that you thought your beloved would find exciting is more romantic then something expensive and generic.
does romance required excellent verbal skills? no. they can help, for sure-- being able to speak about the specific things that you love about your beloved is terribly romantic. but you're a smart kid. you keep those servers running while minimizing downtime-- you create elegant uis-- you hack devices with remarkable creativity. put some of your skills to work in thinking about how to please your beloved.
romance is not a test where there is a right answer and a wrong answer. the goal is to show your beloved that you love him and so when he is not around you think of him when people tell you stories about their cats, even though you find cats annoying-- to let her know that it is her specificity, her love of world of warcraft and hatred of extraneous apostrophes in fan fiction-- that you adore. there are many ways to show this adoration. the most romantic acts are the ones that you enjoy performing, and that make your beloved light up. you can do this. you can find things that will make your beloved smile. you think about your beloved when she's not around-- you are totally smart enough to show him that, not just tell him, but show it in your acts.
if you bring home roses and your beloved hates roses, that is awesome! now you know! think of it as debugging; you tried something and it didn't work, so try something else! pay attention to your beloved: what does she like to read? what pants does he like to see you wear? what kind of salsa does she like on her burrito? pay attention, and show her that you're paying attention. at some point you will do something that you enjoyed doing, and your beloved will laugh with delight. you're on the right track: pay attention to this moment. do more of that.
a final thought: the most romantic gestures create feedback loops of generosity and pleasure. you delight in pleasing your beloved; this pleasure inspires her to reciprocal gestures that delight you in turn; your pleasure inspires you to more graciousness, kindness, affection. the point is to please him, and be pleased in turn-- the point is to increase your mutual feelings of tenderness and desire.
xoxo
nabil